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this is your [heart on paper]

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now that's the truth [27 Dec 2007|04:31pm]

[ mood | pessimistic ]

You forced venerability on my heart
And neglected to revive
The missing parts
You told me you loved me
It wasn’t fair to take that back
You promised nonstop truth
An inconsistent fact
I can’t help but wondering
Were those tears ever real
Did you even care about me
Do you know how to feel
So many of my night
Were dedicated to you
Because I convinced myself you cared
But I’ll never know the truth
I can’t imagine the pain you must feel
Since you’re so insecure
You don’t even know what is real
I do think about you
But not like I did before
See the difference is
I’m not cluless anymore

the spinning never stops

[10 Oct 2007|03:38am]

Soul Searching powered by Google
another night
another try

pushing keys
& clicking buttons

a thousand questions
a million answers

but it's not real.
the spinning never stops

various poems [23 Aug 2007|06:17pm]

[ mood | energetic ]

some of them are short.. so i won't make a new post for every one of them.

i saw this tree in my dream
upward rising, swelling in esteem,
scraping up to the sky above,
touching the clouds, fascinated in love.
ever climbing, ever growing,
with endurance and strength ever flowing.
this tree, cut down nor threatened by none,
shows the world of all that can be done. 

my purpose of life is here.
because in this place I first learned to fear.
this sidewalk, this porch, this window, this pane
all are mine. with them I brave all rain.
but today, it is expected of me to say goodbye.
it hard to do when I long to be nearby.
my memories and loyalties, a roosted dove.
because in this place, I first learned to love.

what they cannot accomplish
there a few I know who breathe alone.
their path no one takes. their souls no one fakes.
their life, a tremor of unwanted fate and luck.
their birthright so condemned and their days lived so alone.
their eyes find no way through all darkness,
their words to be heard by no one and little spoke.
their destination no social knows. their motivation,
the hope of a better day, the hope of a lending ear.
there a few I know who breathe alone.
they work without noise and live without company.
their voices grow silent as the years flee on,
their will to be smouldered slowly out by destiny.
their fates were chosen because of who they were
their souls predestined by others because of what they cannot accomplish. 

seasonal life
The rain loudly pelts the roof outside
echoing into my open window by which I sit.
It pours to Earth as hail, destructive and devastating
but all at the same time, gentle.
The cold drifts into my window, chilling me entirely
defeating the purpose of hot cocoa and a blanket.
Rain pounds on the roof above me, like a dozen
marching men fascinated with parading on my house.
This cat that sits by me, wrestling a paper ball,
pauses momentarily to gaze at the raving rain.
It is here, and now, that the wind whistles and I can't
help but think of how much our promise has faded.
It's only been a few days, but it feels like it's been forever.
Perhaps that's because the hope we cling to
fades like a star beneathe our grasp.
Voices downstairs resonate and rise, laughter and
gossip in so a massive number peeling at the walls.
Kitten, so young and ignorant, follow to the source,
drawn by life to life, engrossed by the touch and light
of humans.  I, with direct orders to sway his path
from the likes he's drawn to. Bubbling giggles startle
me away from my window, the thoughts of you still
fresh on my mind. Foriegn, ugly eyes stare me down and
disect me like a mere science project, green with gills.
Enthralled in the food they bend over and obsessed with
getting me to eat with no apetite the same odd things.
They beg and coax and I continually reject and refuse.
No, I don't want desert. No, I don't want a Santa shaped plate.
Their outbursts make me listen more desperately to
the pounding rain, with hope that their voices will be
drowned out. If I could, I would wish them away and you nearer.
Doubt has so quickly seized our small, newborn hope,
crushing it and spreading the shards across a black floor.
But this time it doesn't really matter. Rain pelts the roof, fascinated
and drawn to life.
the spinning never stops

[18 Aug 2007|04:21pm]

In your eyes is regret
your smile is broken
your heart is a mess
from those past words unspoken
your hands shake with fear
because they're no longer held
you used to be happy
now you can't even tell
your confidence failed
to keep you from crying
your brother is gone
and your faith is dying
his life was adisaster
from all his mistakes
which eventually led
to his death one day
so your heart is stale
unable to feel
cant tell a nightmare
from whats actually real
so in your eyes there is fear
your smile's deadly
and heart isn't there
your lfe is just ending
the spinning never stops

The Closet Door [04 Mar 2007|08:01pm]

The Closet Door
Elizabeth could smell the smoke as soon as she walked through the door behind her friend Jenny. The fire had happened months ago, seven to be exact, but the renovation had not done anything for that smell. The tang of smoke and wet paint permeated the air. Her contractor Jose had assured her that the house was nearly ready for her family to move back. Elizabeth did not check up on the progress in person frequently enough to know for herself. However, she had agreed to show Jenny the house today before picking the kids up from school.
“Elizabeth! Come in! It’s your house, remember?” Jose called with his thick accent and broad smile. She grinned faintly and stood with him in the middle of the hallway. “Finally, the almost-finished product is here. Whatcha think?”
“Oh my God, Liz it’s fabulous!” cried Jenny.
Elizabeth glanced down the hall at the new granite floors. “It’s lovely, Jose. It turned out better than I hoped.” She remembered running down that hallway after she had gotten the kids out of the house. Towards the end of the hall, underneath the spiral staircase was a closet that housed the fur coat her husband had given her when they were still newlyweds. She had returned to put on her coat before going back out to that cool February evening.
“I just want to walk around for a while, Jose. I’ll be sure to check in with you before I leave.”
At the end of the hall, the brilliant light of a southern California afternoon shone through the glass windows into the empty kitchen. Tools and ladders littered the back lawn. Elizabeth could see her daughter’s untouched playhouse in the back yard. The clock on the microwave read 1:28. There was still another hour before they had to leave.
“This is so amazing. The hard wood flooring in here is divine,” gushed Jenny.
Elizabeth looked down at her new expensive flooring and thought of the cheap wood laminate that had been there before. The refrigerator and dishwasher had both flooded the kitchen on more than one occasion, destroying the cheap flooring. Elizabeth gently nodded her head in agreement.
“Liz, I can’t get over how great all of it is. I mean, since it was an electrical fire the insurance company pays for all of this, right? It’s just unreal,” Jenny rambled excitedly.
The house was barren like the day her family first moved in. It was nicer now, with all of its upgraded flooring, freshly painted walls, and shiny new countertops. All of the lavish details that made a house complete had now been added to Elizabeth’s specifications.
“It’s weird to see it so empty,” Elizabeth whispered solemnly.
“Yeah, I’m sure it’s a bit odd, but just think how great it’s gonna be once everything is moved back in!”
Elizabeth looked out at her back lawn again. They had not been running the sprinklers while they were out of the house. Beneath the clutter of the yard, she could see the yellow and brown where there once had been healthy grass. She had thrown her husband a big surprise party with confetti out there. John hated big parties.
“So when do you think you’re going to buy new furniture? Now that the house is almost done, you really have to start thinking about those things. You can’t move in here without any furniture.”
John had said the same thing when they came there. Elizabeth was so eager to get out to California and into their gorgeous new Mediterranean home that they arrived two days before the moving trucks. They slept in sleeping bags on the floor.
Ignoring her friend’s question, Elizabeth climbed the spiral staircase and went to the master bedroom. Up at the top of the walls where they met the high ceiling she could see errors in the paint job. The line was not quite even.
Standing in the doorway, she remembered the room the morning after the fire. All of the furniture and paintings had been pushed into a pile in the middle of the room covered by a large tarp. It was remarkable that the firefighters had been able to do that in all of the second floor rooms. Her friends assured her that because the fire came from the attic, the damage would have been far worse if they had not. When the insurance company inspected all of the furniture, however, the majority of what had been upstairs had received irreversible smoke damage
Down the hall were three more bedrooms all belonging to her children. In the middle of the hall was her son’s room. He wanted his new carpet to be bright green. John had tried to say it was a bad idea because it would make the house hard to sell. Elizabeth decided to let him have it anyway. Walking through the house the morning after, her kids joked that he now had a skylight from the big hole in his ceiling and the red tile roof above it. Elizabeth never did find out whether the hole was from the fire itself or if that was how the firefighters entered.
Elizabeth stared at the ground in the doorway to her son’s room. The line between the gray hall carpet and the bright green carpet was not parallel to the door. It was a little crooked and had clearly been cut wrong.
“Liz, sweetie, its 2:20! We should probably get going!” shouted Jenny.
Elizabeth quietly returned to the downstairs hallway and brushed past Jose and Jenny to the door to the closet beneath the staircase. She opened the door and stared at the backside.
“I told you not to replace this door! One door – I asked you not to touch this one door!” Elizabeth screamed.
Jenny cocked her head to the side and responded evenly, “Honey, it’s just a door.”
“We didn’t replace it, we just painted it,” Jose interjected hastily.
“I specifically asked that nothing be done to this door.”
“We just painted it – I didn’t realize it was so important.”
“If it wasn’t important I wouldn’t have told you not to touch it,” snapped Elizabeth. She hit the door with the soft side of her fist and leaned her forehead against it. Her fingers grazed the edges of the door. With her faced pressed into the door, she could faintly see the lines they had painted over. She could almost see the little markings with the names and dates written after them. She looked just above her head in search of the line marked, “MOMMY” that her kids took as a challenge. It was less important how tall they were than how much closer they had gotten to that line.
Jenny quietly hugged her friend and whispered, “It really is time to go now. The kids are out already.”
“If there is anything that I can do to fix this, please let me know. I am very sorry, Ma’am,” Jose pleaded.
Elizabeth stared at the ground and shook her head lightly, offering a faint smile, “It’s fine.” She reached into her purse and dug around for a pen. Buried in the bottom of her bag was a Sharpie. Jose and Jenny looked at each other and then back at Elizabeth as she took the marker and began to write on the door. She diligently traced whatever markings were still visible. Then, when they were all in place, she stood back, put her marker away, and evaluated the result. Smiling, she said again, “It’s fine. I’m just fine.”
3 carousels of pictures | the spinning never stops

[04 Mar 2007|04:16pm]

[ mood | apathetic ]

loving you
not loving myself
has made my life
a living hell
has made me break in to two
just because
of loving you
i hate this thing
that follows me around
its the regret of you
tearing me down
this pain i feel
is all your fault
a burning pain
like mixing ice and salt
like each time you lie
the salt is covered with ice
burning a hole through your skin
without a price
how could this be happening
i can not feel my legs
when all that i can feel
in my heart
is aggressive anger and hate
i let you go but you came back
to beg just like the start
you broke me
hurt me
but at least
i stole back
my heart

the spinning never stops

always yours [06 Feb 2007|11:09am]

my eyes were about
to fill with tears
but then i saw your face
i knew you'd concure all my fears
as my heart began to race
i looked at you
and at that point
i knew ive fallen hard
i know ill be always yours
your the one that stole my heart
i made it through
because the fact
you convinced me that i would
i was so shocked i left that hospital
i never thought i could
but baby you believed in me
like no other person did
you began to love me
and not just love my sins
my love i promise ill be yours
ill hold you through your troubles
because you helped me beat my pain
and got through all my troubles
the spinning never stops

[06 Feb 2007|09:21am]

you loved my sins
not who i was
you should have loved me
just because
why did you have to break meme
your lies it made
it hard to breath
i died from the chemicals of your words
like deathly poison
that hurtsthe worse
the things you said
the lies you told
will stay with me
till i grow old
they'll scar my heart
break my soalim incomplete
caused by my heart you stole
i will move on
ill let you go
but i just thought
i'd let you know
you broke my heart
and lost my trust
it wasnt love
its deathly lust
the spinning never stops

its over [29 Jan 2007|03:06pm]

If I'm hurt

will you you feel me

I'm broken

will you fix me

if i love you

will you love me

if I'm dying

will you save me

i fell

did you catch me, NO!

i screamed

did you calm me, NO!

I'm breaking by the second

and all you can say is sorry

all you do is smile!

I'm dying but you don't even care

you act like you don't even see me

you talk like i don't exist

like we didn't spend the past

in each others arms every day

I'm missing you

do you miss me, you pause

I'm crying

do you feel my pain, you nod your head

you give me the look like you never meant to hurt me

and its the last thing i see

before my heart's put to rest
the spinning never stops

[28 Jan 2007|05:12pm]

In his eyes
I see my face
I see the pain
and I relate
I hear his words
they seem like magic
with such strong meaning
trials so tragic
the way he speaks
those words of beauty
his charm, it burns
a hole right through me
Im getting chills
as i hear his struggles
i fall inlove
with all his troubles
i feel his pain
I see it from his smile
his heart releases
my inner child
and this i wonder
does he feel me too
can he feel my pain
the way i do
Im hurting from the lack of help
i give to him
and to myself
i want to concur all his fears
wipe away
those acid tears
the spinning never stops

[22 Jan 2007|01:49pm]

she walks around
with pain in her eyes
she breathes like she needs help
her thoughts just make her cry and cry
and start to hate herself
her hands
they always shake with fear
her worries surround her thoughts
she hurts while breaking down in tears
why cant love be bought
this pain comes from
the one she loves
who once made her whole
he is the guy she`s dreaming of
who has the heart he stole
her nevers are forever
as he says never again
the words he said still haunt me
we're better off just friends
her heart is empty
her life is full
of hurt pain and grieving
the funeral of her soul
the spinning never stops

peer pressure [18 Jan 2007|04:52pm]

[ mood | content ]

she woke and screamed
because her face is a threat
being herself
is her biggest regret
she sees all those girls
makeup and jewelry
guys holding there hands
and she thinks
can that be me
she hates her appearance
she hates her own style
she keeps to herself
while those girls all go wild
so she picks up that lip gloss
dyes her hair blonde
acts like she`s perfect
but knows something`s wrong
her shirts are real tight
her skirts up to her calf
she points at her old friends
and Begins to laugh
she`s dying from the pressure
to be gorgeous and thin
but before she was perfect
didn`t need to fit in
if only she new that
being herself`s her true pleasure
she`d be better off
and herself she would treasure

1 carousel of pictures | the spinning never stops

[29 Nov 2005|10:16am]

no lie could compare
to that one that you fed me
and led me to share
this pain that still lingers
and causes such pain
blood drips off these fingers
in hopes to restrain
my heart that you tore down
torn out and have drained
of every last bit of
my hopes in this frame
the spinning never stops

[11 Sep 2005|11:19pm]


I just want this place to be lively again. Ignore this thread, and take it as a cue to share some of your fantastic work..

Read more...Collapse )
the spinning never stops

[08 Sep 2005|04:17pm]

so me and my boyfriend broke up. we went out for a year and ten months...two months until two years of being together. it was kinda mutual. but i still feel like shit. i still love him so much. but i think its for the best. i miss him so much. i dont know if i want to go back out with him or not. but not like that matters...i dont even know if he would agree to go back out with me anyways...even though he says that he misses me a lot and he didnt want to lose me..so why did we break up??!?!?! yea we have our reasons i suppose.but still.

i have been cutting and all that jazz a lot more lately. even before me and my boyfriend broke up...ive just been so sad and confused lately. i dont know whats wrong with me.

but i have to go pick my friend up from work..i'll be back on here maybe in a few days. but i dont know.
the spinning never stops

[23 Aug 2005|08:25pm]

Look, I've never had a dream in my life,
because a dream is what you want to do but still haven't pursued
I knew what I wanted and did it 'til it was done,
So I've been the dream I wanted to be since day one

-Aesop Rock
the spinning never stops

[19 Aug 2005|09:57am]

[ mood | thoughtful ]

i realized something that i think i was looking for for a while. and i think it will help me a little bit....help me be more accepting of people and of myself..........kinda sorta maybe. i realized it a few days ago.....i realized........i am everything i hate. i hate annoying people, im annoying, i hate people who cheat, i cheat, i hate people who lie, i lie, i hate greedy people, i am greedy, i hate assholes...as far as actions and things they do, and im an asshole...considering when i see someone doing something that pisses me off i realize i myself do the same thing. i hate jealous people, but im jealous, i hate when people have trust issues, but i have trust issues (MAJOR ONES) i realized i dont think i do things souly for the other person. i realized almost everything i do even for the sake of others, i make it look like its a selfless act but i find that all of my selfless acts have something in it for me. i hate self-centered people, i am self-centered, i hate conceited peopel, i am conceited....but modestly, humbly...so as to hide it or something. i realized.......i am the root of my hatred. i know i hate myself. and i have all of these traits buried beneath lies and deceit so i dont recognize them. that way i can go around hating people and acting better than them because im not like them?...but in actuallity i am exactly like them........wow...i hate myself, therefore i hate others. now i understand that saying where they say you must love yourself before you can love others..........yea..................hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i pretend to be better than myself.?????????? does that make sense? anyways. im workin on it. im workin on lettin things go....which i seem to be bad at..

the spinning never stops

just some thoughts.. [15 Aug 2005|04:16pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

what am i sitting around waiting for? someone to feel sorry for me? but why? why should anyone feel sorry for me? im not worth other peoples' emotions. shit. im not even worth my own. how does a concept as simple as life turn out to be so goddamned complicated. and it only gets trickier along the way. and what are we in it for. pride? accomplisments? perhaps love? are we really here for any reason. human beings are the beginning and end of all things. clothing, cars, houses, buildings, ya know. all that man made shit. its all here because of us. we create that. we create that only for man to tear it down again. we are beasts of creation, destruction and affection. all things in which have no meaning whatsoever. yet we still give them some kind of significance. some kind of ranking or priority. as if they meant something. we need to make ourselves feel worth something. we always have to be better than the next. competition. competition for what exactly? to win the next race, to be skinnier, prettier than the last girl. who can hit the most homeruns in a season right? home-fuckin-runs. what the fuck does that mean to us?! mark mcguire, sami sosa? they are somehow better than "everyone else" because of how far and how many times they can hit a ball in one season of baseball. they get paid more than the teachers who teach the kids, our future, what they know. teachers are by far more important than some nit-wit who can hit a fucking ball. what makes a person better than someone else? and who gives them the right to decide? i never did quite understand that. and why do they feel the need to toy with peoples emotions to make them feel superior? domination. humans are always striving for control. the root of fear is simply the things we cannot control ourselves. if you do not have a firm hand over something then you feel little. you feel helpless. and people dont like this feeling. therefore they cowar at the feet of the dominant thing in control of the situation. either that or rise up and pretend to be the dominant one. that right there is pride. pride is a thing of ignorance. pride is a thing of stupidity and close mindedness. some people are too caught up in themselves to realize there are bigger and better things than themselves. and once they realize that. maybe they will notice the little people they stepped on. then what will matter to them? stupid material items. things in which have no value except for the value we place on it. the currency in which we live by. money IS everything in today's world. one would die with out it. life is not for the weak.

2 carousels of pictures | the spinning never stops

poem... [15 Aug 2005|09:14am]

[ mood | guilty ]

curse my life,lets call it done.
and to neither side, shall the battle be won
hide their eyes, in ignorant bliss,
to hide the truth of this sinful kiss.
speak we must, of all thats wrong
and keep it always between our lips.
shhh. we cannont speak above the wind!
for if we do the web will spin. the tale will spin.
we all will spin!
spinning, spinning, spinning, spun.
it's all at hand! it's all begun!
quiver silent among my breast.
and there you'll lay,
you'll lay at rest.
before the sun shall shine anew,
before it brings that sickly hue.
to all the creeps about the night
to unmask what brings you fright
as it unveils a painful truth of longing, lust, betrayal...youth.

the spinning never stops

polka dot sex = blood [12 Aug 2005|01:51pm]

[ mood | artistic ]

...there is blood on my skirt, because my polka dots are multiplying...

the spinning never stops

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